Secret Agent Dovahkiin
by NoThaTerrible
Summary: In 24 hours, the world will be destroyed by Uriel Septim's super death bomb. Now, there is only one man that can save the world from the brink of destruction, and that man is: Secret Agent Dovahkiin.


"Run! Get to da choppa! Yargh!" cried Dovahkiin. Suddenly, a dragon.

"Youuuuuuuuu shaln't pass, Dovah!" said the dragon, "I breathe fire and kill you!"

"Quick, Dovah, run to da choppa with meh!" cried a sexy ass woman.

"I can't, babely, I have to FITE DA DROAGN N SAEV WARLD!"

And then…SHWING!

*24 hours earlier*

"Okay, Dovahkiin, here is your mission. You have to defuse the bomb, save the queen, and get to da choppa all in under 24 hours, or the world will blow up. CAN YOU DO IT?" said a secret agent.

"Hmph," said Dovah, putting on some kick-ass shades, "Of course I can. After all…"

He turns to face the audience.

"I'M DOVAHKIIN!"

*Theme song plays*

"Alright, Dovah, I'll see you when you get back," said the secret agent, leaving the scene.

*23 hours till splosion*

"Alright, I'm here at Windhelm. Now, where's that bomb?"

"Ah, Mr. Dovah, we've been expecting you," said a mysterious stranger.

Dovah turned around and BAM!

"Egad, it's Emperor Uriel Septim, back from the bread."

"Indeed. Now, Dovah, follow me into this casino."

Dovah lifted his sleeve to his mouth and said, "HQ, I'm following the target into the casino. Stay alert."

*Inside the casino*

"Mr. Dovah, are you familiar with a little game I like to call Texas Hold 'Em?"

"I am, Uriel, but the real question is: are YOU good enough to defeat me?"

"Hahaha! We shall see."

The dealer handed out cards to Dovahkiin, Uriel, and three of Uriel's body guards. Dovahkiin looked at his cards and saw a 2 of hearts and a 5 of hearts.

"Hmm," said Uriel, looking at his cards, "I bet 400 septims."

"Yo, boss, you sure you should be betting that much money?" whispered a guard into the emperor's ear.

"Quiet, you worm!" scolded Uriel.

"Huh," said Dovah, knowing his hand sucked, "I raise you 14 thousand spetims."

"14000, eh?" said Uriel, raising one eyebrow, "Isn't that a bit much?"

"50 thousand septims!" yelled Dovahkiin.

"Haha, I call," said Uriel, throwing in a 50,000 septim chip.

Now the dealer flipped over 3 cards that were on the table: three aces, excluding the spade. Uriel looked down at his hand and grimaced.

"Bwahaha," laughed the emperor, "I raise 10 thousand septims!"

"ALL IN!" cried Dovah, slamming his iron-clad fist on the table.

"Are you sure you want to lose all your money this quickly, Dovah?" said Uriel, smirking an evil smirk.

"I….said…ALL…IN….BITCH!"

"Fine, all in."

The dealer placed the last two cards on the table: a 3 of hearts and a 4 of hearts.

"Well, Dovah," said Uriel, flipping over his cards, "It looks like I am the victor." He had a full house: 3 aces and two fives.

"I told you, Uriel, that I'm not gay," said Dovah, bowing his head and flipping over his cards, "I'M A STRAIGHT FLUSH!"

"Kill him!" yelled Uriel to his guards.

Then, his guards pulled out some glocks and started shooting at Dovah. Dovah had high agility and backflipped over all the bullets. Then, Dovah pulled out a tommy gun and said,

"All you little bitches are going to die!"

Then Dovah squeezed the trigger and fired like mad, killing all of the guards in the room. Card dust soared through the air, and tables were flipped over by the dealers, trying to protect themselves. When Dovah stopped firing, he saw that Uriel had escaped.

"HQ, HQ! Come in HQ!" said Dovah, running up the stairs.

"This is HQ."

"I've lost sight of the target. Abort the mission."

"That's a negative, Dovah, your orders were to get the code from Uriel to deactivate the bombs."

"Uriel escaped; I can't find him."

"Go to his room and try to unlock his door."

"Gotcha," said Dovah, running frantically to find Uriel's door.

"Alright I found it….OH DAMMIT!"

"What's wrong?"

"There's a master lock on the door, and I only have a lockpicking skill of 69!"

"Just try your best, Dovah."

"I only have 1 lockpick left. If I screw up, then it's all over."

"Then you better make that lockpick count."

Dovah inserted the lockpick into the lock and held his breath.

"I can do this, I can do this," he said to himself. Suddenly, he snapped the lockpick in half.

"Oh no!" cried Dovah. Suddenly, a woman appeared behind Dovahkiin, aiming a gun at the back of his head.

"Tsk tsk tsk, I expected better from a top secret agent like you, Dovah," said the woman.

Dovah turned around and saw her face and said, "Lydia, it has been too long."


End file.
